Is life happening to you, or for you? That's one of the most difficult choices you'll face in life.
I was reminded of this over the weekend at a personal development event that I was asked to speak at (Unbreakable is the name of the group – and they’re doing something amazing).
Talking one on one after I did my thing, I must have heard 5 or 6 tough stories of disaster and calamity, none of which was caused by the person I was talking to – a classic example of how life will life you and it’s rarely your fault.
All of them were struggling, all of them were in “Why me?” and/or “For me? What the heck?!” stage.
I get it. When life hits you hard, how can you ever claim a “for me?” stance? All appearances say that this is not happening for you but life is actively seeking to punish you.
So, what’s the truth here?
When I talk about life happening for you, I need to clarify.
Here's the tough truth: life isn't about getting your way with everything. It's not about what you want, but about what you need. When I say life is happening for you, I mean it's happening for your highest good.
You're struggling because you're mourning the loss of a plan you had, yet a new one is happening in front of you. This perspective requires a little trust, but it changes everything.
Making this choice genuinely helps, and immediately.
“For me” is an ultimate expression of acceptance and gratitude that gives you something to work with. “To me” is a swamp of hopelessness and resistance to the facts which can suck you down into the quicksand of misery lickety spilt quick.
“For me” means full responsibility for your choices. It clarifies what you can control, and what you can't, leaving you with one powerful question: “Given the facts of reality right now, what can I do?”
What is my highest good then?
Life wants to show you how to live it, and live it well.
It should be obvious to you that you can shape some things, but you cannot shape a great many other things. Controlling the controllables, as they say these days, is a necessary skill to learn.
You can't control the outcome. You can't control the fruits of your actions. But you are in control of your inner responses, what you do next and how tightly you hold on to your expectations. The serenity you seek is found in letting go of what 'should' have happened and accepting what is.
Life wants to show you where you’re holding on. You make a plan but the next step is the only thing you can do; and often that next step is presented to you. Circumstances will change. How quickly will you?
But what about them?
Often we try so hard to make it happen for someone else —
Remember, they are under the same laws of reality as everyone else, and not in as much control as they think they are. And the quicker they learn that lesson, the free-er they become.
You’re role modelling this. You’re not ensuring them an incident free life but helping to make them capable of handling challenge – and the “for me” choice is the ultimate in learning how to handle difficulty; even more so when you show how to do it.
Free yourself
So, free yourself from what you can't control. Accept the reality you're in, and find gratitude for what you have. This is a power move. This is how you weather the storms with a smile.
Your highest good is wrapped up in this ultimate expression of human freedom, as Viktor Frankl called it: the ability to choose your own way regardless of what life throws at you.
Don't give up. Of course it’s hard. This is the hero's journey. Find the treasure, and bring it back for all to realise.
Consider this –
Where’s one place you can face the facts and let go into the present moment?
If you'd like to share what you found, I'd love to hear about it. And if I can help, just let me know.
Go well,
Arjuna
PS.
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